Everyone likes my mother. I do too, mostly. But she
is a mother. This includes most of the good things, like unconditional love and support, and occasional baked goods.
It also includes the not-so-wonderful things that most offspring put up with to some extent.
Tonight my mother and I had a bit of a... discussion. I don't think the details of it are very important. I managed to extract myself from Part 1 of the Conversation, and figured we were done with it. A few minutes later, Mother does this thing she often does where she mouths what she wants to say, gestures a bit..I don't read lips especially well, not being deaf and therefore not cultivating the skill, but in this case I derived that she wanted me to accompany her to another room where other family members won't overhear us and Part 2. Exasperated, I complied.
She wants to clarify a comment of hers, saying that I seem to be assuming the worst about her intention regarding said comment. She didn't mean it that way, she tells me. I tell her how it came off to me, and she's like, 'well, now you know.' We went in circles for a while; I eventually summed up the purpose of this talk as 'You wanted to assure me that you hadn't actually made any unkind or unfair assumptions about about Person X.' 'Yes,' she confirms. 'And why do I care?' I ask. Before she can answer, I say, 'I know, I'm being obnoxious.' She doesn't say anything, so I know she agrees.
I don't tell her that where I'm obnoxious, she's infuriating. I clarify another part of the situation, telling her that people will be angry behind the scenes about situation referenced in Conversation Part 1.. She says, 'Okay, I'll be the calm one.' I say okay, then finish by reiterating to her that if she's so concerned about what I think about her assumptions, intentions, whatever, maybe she should work on how she come across to people, how she conveys things. She's offended and angry, though she doesn't say it and is very controlled.
Fucking sanctimonious is what she is, not the calm one. She doesn't give off calm vibes. Ever. Even when she actually
is calm. I don't think she even realizes that thats how it seems to me. How she comes across to me so often (though to a lesser extent than tonight, certainly).
Other people are always telling me that my mom is great. As I said, she often is. But god
damn! She tells me that other people comment that she's so
nice. Sure she is. She reads books about spititual practices, etc, and then tells me about it. She incorporates some of what she reads into her behavior. Make everyone you meet smile, says one guru. So she tries to do this, by smiling at everyone, or something. To me, it comes off as fake. Kind of
patronizing. Especially when she uses whatever technique on us, her family. Are you fucking kidding me? My siblings and I try not to roll our eyes when she's looking. Be kind to everyone, she says. Well, duh, I think. But the way you do it doesn't work on me or for me. Personally, I think the way
I relate to the general public is better than your way, so get off your self-made pedestal, okay?
Consciously being nice to people is fine, but..I don't know, she's, like,
too conscious of it. Its too
affected. Whereas I'm almost always genuine in my relating to others. I don't really think about it. I don't read books of the sort she does, yet I already act a certain way, a way that often in is line with the stuff she reads. Don't depend on other people to tell you how the universe works! Stop regurgitating what their books tell you, stop being so
pretentious about it. Get over it! All of it! Stop harping on things that don't matter that much in the grand scheme.
The next time someone says I'm like my mother, I may just rip out their vocal cords.
